I sat in the silence of the house for a little while, decided after just a few minutes that it was too lonely, and turned the music back on.
The silence screams in my head that I’m alone, and often just knowing that hurts. When I thought I had started growing up I guess I didn’t take into consideration how wrong that was. I am still the small child terrified of the abandonment that seems to always come. I try not to expect it anymore, but I still fear it. Fearing it, though, is a lot like fearing the next blink of your eye – it will eventually have to close.
Temporary stages in life are what I have now started to get accustomed to. These people I surround myself with, these beautiful friends and loves I introduce into my life, are all temporary. I fear, because I know this, I never let anyone close enough for me to even consider keeping permanently. I knew I had walls for defenses, but I seemed to have overlooked the electric fence after it.
My soul has been untouched for a while and I think that’s what is the mostly lonesome.
I’m lacking a connection that resonates somewhere further into me than this place I feign is the inner most me.