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There’s no silence, here.

Sometimes words get mixed up in my head, and sometimes feelings do, too.

I don’t know what word is supposed to come after which, so I string together a bunch of them with ums and uhs thrown in hoping they’ll make everything sound better. I know it doesn’t help, but I do it anyway.

Silence is the only thing that I know that doesn’t make me sound foolish, but it’s really just pauses I mean to make, not just no noise at all. Yet sometimes I still forget to speak.

When I was young, speaking was never easy. I didn’t know the words I wanted to use, I didn’t know which words made up exactly how I felt, or what I wanted to convey. Then, it got easier. I grew and I found which words belonged and which ones didn’t. I learned how to form coherent sentences and thoughts without getting lost somewhere.

I’m not sure when I lost it again, but here I am, still looking for the right words in a huge word-search that changes almost every day.

I used to be so sure of how I felt. I used to write it, over and over again on paper. I used to feel it in my chest like my heart was bleeding. I used to not be able to stop it from coming out.

Then I forgot what I was feeling, or maybe I was just scared of it. It’s hard to want to know what you’re feeling when all you’re used to feeling is bad, or somehow wrong. And then I got better and I didn’t have the right words anymore. My vocabulary was off.

I guess I’m still looking for those words but all I can think of is:

Messy.
Confused.
Lost.

 
Maybe if I’m ever sure of anything, I’ll have more to go on in this search.

Until then, don’t mistake my pauses for silence.

I still have things to say.

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